Fighting off the Black Dog!

Well, after a run of about 4 good months, 4 months of running from the Black Dog, the little bugger seems to have caught up with me.
There's no denying the tenacity of that little mutherfucker.
He just keeps on coming, no matter what I do. Medication, Running like mad, whatever, he just keeps on coming.
And so now, he's grabbed well and trully back onto my leg, and is dragging me down.
Which is NOT what I needed right now - ever actually, but really not now.

Y'see, I've come to a point, where I've realised that in reality, me and study don't mix afterall. I thought we might, and I had a fair crack (2 years), but we're just not suited.
So what then? What comes next?
Work? Back in a factory? A warehouse?
A job with specific hours that I just can't meet? A job with the flexibilty of an engine block?

I think not. Why?
Well, as slack as it'll sound, I'll go fuckin MAD in 3 months. I really couldn't do it.
Living with a condition - depression (chronic anxiety also), and in a time and place so restrictive and rigid, I will last a matter of months before needing to frankly, quit, and bury myself far far away from any recognisable place in the world.
But is there a place for me, and other people with Depression, to go and work our bums off while we can, and then go away and hide ourselves back in our rooms when we need to? A little time where we can 'not work' too, and just do whatever it is we do when we're down?
Reallistically, I don't think so. We need to find a place we can work so flat out, at our own hours when we can, and then when things aren't so good, we won't be penalised or have other restrictions (financial etc from no income) placed on us when we're not well.

Ok, ideally, I'd be making enough money to pay rent, eat etc from writing and taking picures...not just because I'd have the 'freedom' then, but 'cos I love doing them...but again, this is the real world.
Over the last little period of time, I've had my sights on that. But things like that don't just happen overnight. It takes a lot of work, and TIME, to get oneself into a position one can make their 'hobbies' pay. And by a 'living'' btw, I don't mean the extravegant, "Rock Star" "Rich and Famous" lifestyle. I mean rent, food, ciggies and materials/gear, and yeah, a few beers now and again.

Which again goes back to the work dilemma.
When one is working, paying the bills, buying a big flatscreen, living "like normal people" (thats what my Dad says) , when does one find the time (and more impotantly, the energy) to do all these other things as well?
How, if one is feeling creative rather then mechancal, dronelike, does one get to excercise ones creative side, properly, and dedicate a good amount of time to, well, dedication to it, when one has a forklift and a bunch of pallets to move around a yard, killing ones creativity? And one thing I HAVE leant from my time 'studying', is that I actually am a fairly creative person.
I love my writing and my photography. I still a helluva lot to learn, especially if one is going to earn a 'living' from them, and I am willing to learn, but I need the time to take the opportunities. Not, "yeah, I can learn that, or spend some time on ... but later" or whatever, then go jump in the forklift. I've learnt while studying, that living that 'normal' life is good for many, but for some, 'normal' is just, beyond.
I'd always thought that, and thought it was just me and that I was weird. And now I know; and I know that even though I am still weird (calling a spade a spade here), I'm not alone in 'not fitting in'. Pretty depressing on it's own.

I was going to bring this up here soon anyway, following on from my last post, but the Black Dog is right onto me tonight...despite me trundling off to the A-league (Australia's Soccer). And yes, Melbourne Victory did lose, but i'm not going to go on about my curse - tonight.

I've kinda just blurted this on here tonigh too, so it probably doesn't say what I actually wanted it to say.

Thanks for visiting and letting me crap on awhile,
Vinnie Me.